Sunday, August 2, 2009
of life.
i never felt this way for SO long. to be able to just type out my thoughts, feelings, and just random things. yeah people say this will eventually reach people..but i dont really care.yar right. im determined to learn to forgo caring about what people may say, think, or feel about me. especially when they are people i wont care much about anyway. so yepps i will just be penning down stuffs i feel like saying, or interesting things that happened to me (or not-so-interesting things too), and basically what is going on in my mind.
well, i just got back from HK a few days back. it started off as a trip i really looked forward to, knowing that i can spend more time with my dad, and grandma, as well as spending time with dan. it felt good traveling alone there, having the independence and responsibility and all. it felt kinda good. spent the first weekend with dan and we had good times. albeit the no.9 typhoon that almost swept us away. hurs. besides the endless shopping, food, and MORE shopping, there's just something about HK that i love.
the environment. the scenic views i get every time i hike up the mountain next to my home. it's nostalgic tracing back the days when i was young and worry-free, following my dad to exercise the morning trails. to me, that is the most scenic place in HK.
the people. they maybe loud (or some say crude when they get angry) and talks really fast in cantonese, but i have come to understand the beauty of the culture that we have there. the people are like that because of the way HK is, competitive and being a society where status is of great importance. over there, people still judge one based on his economical, social, or even political status. this makes the people strive very hard to stand out from the crowd. efficiency is of essence to them and this translates to their behavior in wanting to make the most out of the little resources they have. 平靚正. (pronounce:peng leng zeng.direct translate: cheap, looks good, and functions right) is something HK people swear by in their consumption habits.
so, who we are can be influenced internally and externally, and as society progresses, people tend to subject themselves more to their environments so as to meet the demands that the society has of them, that we very often neglect who we are inside. i never really got round to thinking too much about it until things got downhill about a week back. when my world was turned upside down and i don't know how, but i managed to have the strength left to turn someone's world topsy turvy as well. it almost seemed like a déjà vu. and that kinda made me sick in the stomach. i really wanted to runaway and not face what my dad had to say. but i knew i had to take it. so the next day came, and i tried to look fine. but i guess i can't hide from dan. he seems to know exactly what i was thinking. and he initiated the talk after quite a sumptuous dinner at Morton's. it took me the whole night before i finally came up with a whole lot of excuses just to end something we started. that was quite sudden i must say. and now that i think about it, i was being an escapist. how did i bear to let those words out i don't know, but all i know is that i was being a coward. the trip back to HK this time round is indeed memorable, and in a way, i would not have done anything different if given a chance to, because i see this as a lesson i will look back on and make sure i won't make the same mistakes again. (and whether or not i have made them? only time will tell...)
cowardly as i may be, we have had countless talks about us. my thoughts on the matter, he has heard. his feelings on this, i have heard. i guess we have both heard each other, and right now, where we are, we may both feel its unfair, unhappy, unrealistic. but things have happened and we just have to deal with it. some people have harshly judged me on my decision. i don't blame them. in all honesty i may have been as judgmental if this had happened to my friend as well. i can't stop what these people think. and i cant care more. because i know it is hard for these people to see, that everyone of us make decisions based on our own perspectives. and of cos, it would be wrong if they were to judge me based on their opinions. but all in all, black or white, right or wrong, it doesn't matter because what matters is how the people involved in this thinks. not about what the world thinks of it. i am glad that we have been systematic and quite (or maybe not) logical in this. being bipolar and all really helps, especially when we both want to keep this friendship going, be it for the better in the future, or worse.
hope you have a safe trip. i really enjoyed my conversations with you.
